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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Please, don't drink the water!

Posted Wednesday, March 30, 2011, at 8:38 AM

Editor's note: This column is best read on Friday, April 1.

Most of the people I deal with are fairly smart, but occasionally I have days when I seem to run into an excessive number of people with an overabundance of stupid.

A while back, I was talking with Mayor Tom Rist about this problem and he'd also just had one of those days. I accused Tom of putting stupid in the water supply. He said he'd check into it.

Subsequent studies have shown, however, that it was actually a minor leak into the aquifer here from a massive concentration located in the water supply used by the nearby Idaho legislature. In fact, the legislature seems to have an aquifer recharge program that constantly replaces -- and adds to -- the amount of stupid in the water there.

In Boise, they call it "Capitol Kool-aid."

Of course, some legislators avoid that problem by never touching the stuff (they only drink liquid refreshments from their favorite "watering holes," instead -- which explains a lot, when you think about it).

A confidential EPA report I've obtained by nefarious means indicates the amount of stupid in the legislative water supply is now approaching toxic levels. This is a major health hazard, as the legislature will soon be approaching terminal stupidity.

This, of course, should surprise no one who's been monitoring the legislature this year.

* * *

I've always believed lawmakers should not be exempt from the laws they pass (Congress is particularly notorious for doing this).

As a result, I have the following suggestions to make concerning proposals that have come before the legislature, all of which I believe are logical extensions of their actions:

1) Education reform -- All legislators should be given a laptop computer and required to take four online classes a year. We would suggest courses in government, economics, ethics and history. It's always good to learn new things you didn't know anything about before.

However, since we all know that an online course isn't as useful has having a living, breathing (non-union) teacher there to answer their questions and patiently explain the basic concepts in these classes, and that retention of learned material is lower in an on-line class as well, this may not be as effective as it sounds.

Furthermore, making those who fail any of the classes repeat their term of office seems to be counter-productive. Perhaps we can just "social pass" them on to the next level (Congress).

Tenure, of course, should clearly be eliminated.

In addition, a "pay for performance" method of determining their salaries should be established. This could save taxpayers millions -- although many legislators would almost certainly wind up applying for food stamps to avoid starving to death (where they would then be forced to undergo drug tests before receiving any funds from the public dole).

2) Nullification -- The legislature apparently believes it has the right to ignore any federal law it doesn't like and can direct law enforcement agencies not to enforce certain federal laws it finds distasteful.

Logically, this should be extended to cities, counties, school districts and other local government entities.

Local governments should clearly have the same right to "nullify" any state laws to which they object. Nor should they be required to enforce any state law they find objectionable (this, however, would contribute to the "weed" problem in Sun Valley, but that's another issue).

3) Unfunded mandates -- State lawmakers have objected to being required by the federal government to pay for some of the laws passed by Congress. To prove their sincerity, the legislature should provide funds to local governments to pay for any of the extra programs or paperwork they require of the local governments each year.

4) Guns on campuses -- The legislature believes that if everyone is armed, the world will be a safer place. They want to start the process on college campuses (although they really should keep the current prohibition in place during Bronco-Vandal games).

They shouldn't stop at college campuses, however.

The laws prohibiting guns on high school and elementary school campuses also should be repealed. After all, this would clearly level the playing field for first graders being bullied by third-grade students. Our playgrounds would be much safer, obviously.

Furthermore, and in particular, it should be extended to repeal all laws, ordinances and policies relating to firearms at the State Capitol.

Imagine how much safer our legislators would feel with a visitor's gallery filled with people with .30-06 rifles, Mac-10s and Berettas with extended clips.

This also might encourage better behavior by legislators -- and citizens would be much more effective in being able to influence legislation.

It still won't solve the problem of stupid in their water supply, however.


Comments
Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

Oh my goodness Kelly.

That was HILARIOUS.

Thank you.

CJW- He has provided alternatives. I'm willing to bet he voted in the last election as well.

We have the right to address our grievances as per the first amendment. This article did not infringe on anyone else's rights- it was simply a sarcastically humorous criticism of what's going on in the state capitol.

"Nice union wages"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Are you referring to TEACHER'S salaries?

-- Posted by lilmissmelmo on Wed, Mar 30, 2011, at 10:07 AM

I am well aware of what our troops do to protect our rights Mr. Bradbury. I come from a LONG line of servicemembers.

-- Posted by lilmissmelmo on Wed, Mar 30, 2011, at 2:35 PM

Hear! Hear!

For a moment, I thought I was reading a newly discovered text scribbled by Voltaire. The political cynicism paralleled my own distorted vision of the collective American intelligence. Heaven forbid you escape criticism for making people think.

May you forever relish the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune launched your way by the unwashed masses.

-- Posted by junkyard dog on Wed, Mar 30, 2011, at 5:55 PM

Has nobody heard of editorials?

The NEWS should be unbiased, but editorials are exactly that- personal opinions on an issue. Kelly's views do not necessarily reflect the opinion of the MHN any more than my views reflect the opinion of the Tiger Tribune.

-- Posted by lilmissmelmo on Wed, Mar 30, 2011, at 6:12 PM

Kelly I love your wit and editorials !!

Mel Congratulations on the award, an award you certainly deserved :o)

-- Posted by MsMarylin on Wed, Mar 30, 2011, at 6:22 PM

From dictionary.com:

Editorial: An article in a publication expressing the opinion of its editors or publishers.

Satire: the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc

a literary composition, in verse or prose, in which human folly and vice are held up to scorn, derision, or ridicule.

I think this falls under the heading of satire.

-- Posted by jtrotter on Wed, Mar 30, 2011, at 6:57 PM

Please don't lump me or the rest of the public into the "anti union sentiment in the state and nation right now". Many Americans feel that this sentiment is unconstitutional. I have never been a member of a union but I do recognize how they have helped many American workers by protecting wages and benefits that governments and employers would never have paid on their own. People have died to protect these rights in the past.

I applaud the original article and am happy to read about comments in a state of conservative, mostly middle to low income people who don't seem to recognize when the rich conservative legislators are doing their best to increase the gap between low and high income. None of these legislators are volunteering to lower their own salaries to help with state budget shortfalls.

Other comments seem to supported the idea that the stupid in the water is not limited to Idaho, it seems to be a national epidemic.

-- Posted by markdavisart on Thu, Mar 31, 2011, at 10:54 AM

Pretty interesting how colleges seem to make online education work just fine. Do you need to take some ownership in doing the work? Yup. Do you need to have some sort of work ethic to do the work without a teacher standing over you? Yup. If it works well for college...it should be good enough for our local HS students. They had better get used to it now...IT IS THE WAY OF THE FUTURE.

If the education system does not change, there will be no system and no education. Pretty easy to see that what we have does not work and is broken.

Best not read on April 1.

-- Posted by OpinionMissy on Thu, Mar 31, 2011, at 9:51 PM

I quite enjoyed it, Kelly!

Now if we could just harness all this hostility and aggression and create an energy source, sell it to Idaho Power and use the funds to spike the water with some kind of cranial-enhancing chemical....I wonder if there's a grant out there...

-- Posted by dragon08 on Thu, Mar 31, 2011, at 11:18 PM

Read this again on April 1st and it is still not funny or thought provoking. 4 minutes of my life gone.

-- Posted by jtrotter on Fri, Apr 1, 2011, at 6:46 AM


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