KTLM

My Dad told me once at the lowest point in my life, that "God only gives people what they can handle, and it makes them stronger"  Actually, I don't know if that is verbatim, but something along those lines.  I was at my parents house, and was walking out the door, in my despair.  It was shortly after the death of my firstborn daughter.  I don't remember much about the conversation, but I remember thinking (don't remember if I said it to him) "I'm strong enough, please God, no more"  There really is no true understanding of His ways, but I could only have Faith, and never lose Hope.  Not to say that I never lost Faith/Hope.  I'm human. 

I have been so lucky in my life in so many ways.  I've had heart ache that seemed to go on forever.  And then I was able to bring babies to my home.  Evan was a happy baby and always easy to get along with. 

Katie was born 2 1/2 years later....   She had an excited big brother waiting on her!  He didn't know it, but she was bringing gifts just for him, and was looking forward to meeting the brother that would later boss her around.  Katie arrived June 10 (he was Dec 1) with the biggest eyes looking all around ...as if she was wise and knew things.  She was considerably past due, and just amazingly beautiful. 

On the way home from the hospital, we stopped at the Park in Boise to let Evan feed the Ducks, and have some fun after being cooped up all day.  Then we took my children home to begin the life I was looking forward to. 

Evan adored her...never once waivered in that.  Katie was a tough little girl, and cute as could be, and for the most part knew it.  She walked early, and I will never forget her in a little pink robe, looking like a little doll floating around the floor. 

Once at my parent's house, we told her "No" for something, I forget what.  She was wearing a little pink poofy dress and...walked over to the wall, and put her hand on the wall, and her forehead on her hand.... so dramatically.... My Mom and I thought she was so cute.... not at all the response she was wanting.  We still giggle about that.  You can't make that stuff up.... little Drama Princess.

Katie was one tough little girl.... and she had to be to keep up with her cousins and brother.  And she had them all wrapped around her little finger, (though I'm sure they will deny it vehemently now)

She had a pony from the time she was 2, and the hard knocks she took from them, I can't begin to count.  She spent at least 4 summers wearing casts, and showed in the Fair every summer from the time she was 4.

Ya know those big semi tractor trailers going down the hiway with the letters  KTLM on the side of the trailers?  We used to tease her that those were named after her.  I bet next time you see them, you'll think of her!

She became the Honorable person that I wanted all my children to become, but on top of that, she became a nurturer, and so much more of a gentle person than I.  It may sound backwards or ridiculous, but she is the person who helped me become the Mother I am.  When she was 5, Joey was born, and she mothered him in many ways. 

She is gentle and caring and so much more.  She has put together that gentleness and hard will in  a way that is at times super human, in my eyes. 

Other than the times as a child when she misbehaved, she was (really none of my kids) never "bad".  She was always 'trying' to do right.  Once when she was about 20, she did manage to really upset me.  It was a week before Thanksgiving, when she managed to do this.  I was silent for so long, thinking of what I wanted to say, and having a wash of emotions going thru my mind/heart.  I am not one to ever say anything impulsive, and I think I can thank my Mother for that.  There was so much in that moment that I wanted to say in anger, but I bit my tongue thinking "I can't say it"  I can only imagine what Katie was thinking in these moments of my Silence.  When I did finally speak, I did say many of the things I wanted to voice, in my anger.  And then, I told her, "I've always told you to do the best you can, in whatever you are doing, so now, your course has changed, and I still want you to do the best ever"   She told me later that she could see the struggle, and in her fear, she thought I was not going to forgive her.

I have come to see the "Door that opened, when one door shut" in that also.  There was a Silver/Gold Lining there also. 

Her course did change, but she has only become stronger as the years have gone by, and never ceases to amaze me.  She is the one who told me to step out of my sadness at the loss of my sister, and helped me thru that with her strength and determination. 

She brought into my life my first Grandson, and who am I to say that there isn't a special bond between a Grandma and her first Grandchild?  That bond laid the path to such strong bonds between myself and all my grandchildren. 

My KTLM is stubborn ... Oh my gosh, annoyingly so at times.  Strong willed to the point of a barb.  I'm proud of that, and annoyed at times.  She's not afraid to tell me "No" ... and I'm proud of that ... while wishing.....

She's a Mother to her core, and I can't ask more than that.