Charlie's isn't my kind of place

For those of you who've never been to Charlie's, it's Mountain Home's version of Coyote Ugly. The staff really puts the "ugly" in "Coyote Ugly," and the bar has theme nights, like "let your beer gut hang over your Catholic school girl skirt" night.

I hadn't planned on going to Charlie's Saturday night, but ended up there anyway. I went with my sister and her friend to Kurly's, a sports bar, for dinner and a drink, but after a few games of beer pong , we walked down the alley to Charlie's.

The group of people we had been playing beer pong with was also at Charlie's when we got there, including the guy whose name I didn't know but had teamed up with to go 3-1. He was with one of his friends and when they saw me, they asked if I was going to have another drink. I said I wasn't but they were getting a pitcher and insisted I share it with them. When someone hands me a glass full of beer, I don't say no.

A short time later, I was talking to one of my sister's friend as the DJ played a song that the waitresses were required to dance on the table near the center of the bar with a stripper's pole in the middle of it. One of the two of us, don't remember which one it was, said we wanted to tip the dancers. The other one of us said we had been wondering the same thing and quickly agreed it was something we should do.

So he and I start walking to the table and halfway there, he stops and says, "You're skinnier than me, you go first." His logic made a lot more sense to me that night. I advanced to the table with no clear plan in mind, unsure what I would do once I got there.

Then, as I was two steps away from the table, I got an idea. The table right next to the table doubling as a stage had an empty chair at the end of it. I grabbed this chair, put it in front of the dancing table, folded the dollar bill I already had out of my wallet in half, placed it on the table and sat down in the chair.

It didn't take very long for a bouncer to get in my face and tell me I wasn't allowed to sit there as he tried pushing me away. I asked him why I couldn't sit there and he said it wasn't allowed. I asked again why I couldn't sit there and inquired as to whether or not the fire marshal had prohibited sitting there. I didn't think this was very likely as there were people sitting at the tables directly to the left and right of the table. He didn't answer this question, just kept pushing me and telling me I wasn't allowed to sit where I had been. I grabbed my dollar off the table and made my way back to the bar, where I had been before.

I had to use the bathroom at some point in the night and after emptying my glass and setting it on the bar, I made my way to the bathroom. Guess who happened to be in the bathroom at the same time? The same bouncer.

Our conversation went something like this:

"How come you can't tip the dancers? I don't understand why a bar would have girls dancing on tables if they didn't want you to tip them. Why would they have girls dancing on tables if you can't tip them?"

"You can tip them, you just can't sit in front of them."

"Why not? Is there a rule against it?"

"When I told you to move, that was me telling you you can't sit there."

"But is this a policy? Is it written somewhere?"

"You need to go drink your beer or leave."

"Is is a real rule, or something you made up? I'm just asking if it's on paper somewhere in black and white or if it's something you made up."

Once again, I was told to go have another drink or leave, despite the fact I was still peeing. I left the bathroom and returned to the group of guys I had been drinking with and discovered my beer glass had been refilled while I was away. I picked it up and looked behind me and saw the bouncer standing directly behind me.

I asked him if he would like a drink and offered my glass to him. He said it was time for me to go and forced my hand with the glass in it to the bar counter. I tried to pick it up again, but the bouncer wouldn't let go of my wrist. Not wanting to let free beer go to waste, or let the bouncer ruin my night, I grabbed a straw out of the drink next to me (have no clue whose it was) and lowed my head to my glass and started drinking my beer.

I got almost to the bottom of it before the bouncer could figure out his next move. He told the bartender on the other side of the bar to take my glass away from me. As the bartender picked up my glass and moved it away from me, I kept drinking until the glass was out of the range I could bend over the bar. I'm pretty sure I emptied the cup.

Then the bouncer grabbed me and started dragging me out the door. If you've never been forcibly removed from a bar, it's quite the ordeal. Two things happen at the same time: people just move out of your way as if you're parting a sea and a huge hole opens up in a crowded area and then this hole is quickly closed by a wave of other bouncers coming to get in on the action.

As soon as the other two bouncers approached us, I could see in their faces how ridiculous the scene looked and they quickly backed off. The bouncer dragging me out of the bar was at least six inches taller than me and outweighed by at least 100 pounds and I was repeatedly saying, "Let me go, I'll just walk out. Stop touching me, I'll walk out on my own."

One of the new bouncers said he was allowed to touch me because he's a bouncer, which struck me as odd, since the list of people who are allowed to touch people for no reason other than it's their job should be limited to doctors and police officers. Sure, there are times bouncers are expected to get physical with customers, such as when they are fighting or attempting to damage the place, but it seems a bit much to assume it's always OK for bouncers to be allowed to touch whoever they want whenever they want. Doctors and policemen have to go though lots of training before they can start touching people. It seems the only qualification the bouncer had was he was bigger than me and didn't know how to respond to people asking him questions he couldn't answer.

The other new bouncer told the other bouncer to let me walk out on my own, which I did.

I tried coming back in the front door while I was waiting for my ride home, but the same bouncer was talking to the bouncer at the door as I walked in. Needless to say, I didn't make it very far before I turned around and walked back out.

As I continued to wait for my ride home, I met a girl outside the bar who had gotten in trouble earlier in the night for attempting to dance on the table. Her reasoning for dancing was, "Stripper pole equals dancing" and wondered why a bar would have a stripper pole if they didn't want girls dancing on it.

Just as my ride arrived, this girl's boyfriend approached us. I told them to have a good night, then, on the spot, invented a new high five: the couples high five. I had them put their hands up so they were touching and gave them a high five with my one hand in the middle of both of their hands. It was pretty epic.